Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
