God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
