the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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