If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
