he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
