I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
