Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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