I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
