Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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