You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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