Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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