Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
