If that was your dad, he is hot
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
