Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
