i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Terrible idea I love it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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