I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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