Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
