using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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