I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
