I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
