enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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