I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
