When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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