Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
