nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
