Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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