she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
