I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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