Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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