Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
