im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
