My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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