We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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