i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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