U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
