Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So vagazzling was a success
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
