Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
