I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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