we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
