I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
