Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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