You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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