I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
