I want to walk on stilts...naked
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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