He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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