i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
