It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
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3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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