Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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