my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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