even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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