Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
