look no pants
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
