a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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