tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
