whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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