Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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